#OurStories: My New Normal by Rotimi Chris

I went through life thinking I was a regular Joe. I had no idea how far my life was from regular.

I was 3 when my mother walked out on us. I was 8 when my father kicked us out. Yes I didn’t know my mother enough to mourn her but I grew up knowing she packed up and left, and somehow, to me, that felt normal. When my dad kicked us out, I didn’t feel a sense of loss. To me, it was just life. “Eh ya, daddy kicked us out.” That was all. I neither missed my father nor longed to see him. I believed deep in my heart he had no desire to see me either. What shocks me the most as a 35-year-old, thinking about this is that I did not feel a sense of loss. These were simply the cards life had dealt me and I moved on.

I lived with friends of siblings from a few months to 1 year at a time. I was living with them for the period they could afford to keep me. I think it’s tragic that a 10-year-old was fully aware, and accepted the fact that there was no place for him in this world. I felt no sense of ownership, no belonging to anything or anyone. No child should ever feel that alone. More tragic yet was that I considered such life normal.

I finally settled with my siblings at age 10 but instead of getting a semblance of normalcy, I finally understood the concept of homosexuality and realized I was one of those people, unwanted, to be hidden, disgusting, an abomination. I sank further into my shell.

I finally came out to myself at 19, accepted myself at 23, and officially came out to my folks at 34. Yet, much damage had been done.

I walked through life thinking I was not wanted. It made me numb and silent, without friends and without much fraternal history. As a devout Christian, I mainly prayed for others but never for myself because, deep down, I believed God would not listen to my prayers.People always considered me a snub when the truth was I was dying for friends. Even at 35, I only understand how to be alone and friendships remain a constant struggle for me. Even when I have friends, its so easy for me to get up and go, even without a goodbye because I don’t expect anyone to be waiting or looking for me. I never believe I’m loved, I doubt all my friendships, I particularly struggle to see anything good about myself.

I don’t spend my all my time thinking about this but it was only last year it dawned on me how messed up my childhood was.

I feel deformed. Maybe I am. Such is life. However, I intend to spend the rest of what I have left living it.

1 thought on “#OurStories: My New Normal by Rotimi Chris

The views expressed in the comment section are those of the individuals sharing them and The Rustin Times takes no position on the comments.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.