Dennis Macaulay: How to Ally – A guide for Straight People

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines an ally as “one that is associated with another as a helper: a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle” often now used specifically of a person who is not a member of a marginalized or mistreated group but who expresses or gives support to that group.

Allies are therefore very important for all social justice movements from civil rights, anti-racism, the women’s rights movement, the fight for LGBT equality amongst others. One reason allies are important is that they can lend their voice to these causes without necessarily suffering consequences, so a man can for example talk about women’s rights without being branded a feminazi (amongst other expletives). A straight person can talk about LGBT rights without feeling the vulnerability that comes with people questioning your sexuality, which is especially important in countries where it is illegal to be queer.

As important as allies are, they can also be very problematic and end up causing more harm than good. This matters especially for straight allies speaking up for queer rights, which is why I have decided to write this love letter to you all because I see a lot of you allying and it makes me cringe.

Here is how to ally with queer people in eight easy steps;

1. You do not get a cookie: So, you believe that LGBT people should be treated like everyone else because they are *checks notes* like everyone else? Groundbreaking! However, you do not get a cookie for being a decent human being, LGBT rights are human rights and nobody gets a cookie for being a decent human. So in this new year and beyond, stop navigating LGBT spaces to remind us at every turn that we should be grateful for your allyship. I’d say f**k that, but I promised the editor that I won’t swear in this article.
2. We are not eternally indebted to you for your allyship, therefore when you misspeak or when we check you for something you did or said, do not remind us to be grateful that you are even capping for us when others will rather kill us. Again, being a queer ally is simply being a decent human being, so we really do not owe you a depth of gratitude, therefore stop threatening to withdraw this allyship when you are checked. It makes you look like a petulant child whose candy was taken away.
3. As much as we really love that you are speaking up for us, your voice cannot be louder than ours because this is not your daily reality. You are not hunted down and killed for being queer, you do not live in fear of being outed, you will not get fired for being queer. It is great that you speak for us but your voice cannot be louder than ours, it is our narrative and we must be at the forefront of pushing it. You should devote more time instead to educating the straight people in your circle whose queerphobia you often overlook.
4. Listen more because it is our story and if you want to help us tell it, you must listen to us to tell it accurately. Shut up and listen, no speaking over our heads and no straight splaining anything to us. Remember that this is not your journey, it ours and if you want to understand it you have to listen to the people who walk this path.
5. Repeat after me; ALLY IS A VERB. If you remember your high school English then you will recall that a verb is a doing word, therefore to be called an ally you must do the job of dismantling queerphobia in all its manifestations. You don’t get ally slapped on your chest unless you are doing the job of educating the people in your circle to respect our rights and stop killing us.
6. You are not an ally unless we say so! Listen, sis, you do not get to brand yourself an ally unless we (whose journey it is remember?) have seen you do the job and identified you as an ally. This is not about self-identification, nope sis not this time because this tag can only come from us and if we do not recognize you as an ally it will be wise not to call yourself such.
7. We don’t need private allies! We are being killed and maimed in the light, if you will not stand with us in the light then you can shove it. Do not support us in the dark and do not send us private messages telling us how you are always with us, the question is do you publicly express this support for all to see? If you do not, then you might as well keep your private support to yourself because nobody cares really.
8. On a final note you are not an ally because you have queer friends, toss that into the bin together with “I am not racist, I have mixed-race children”. Beyond asking us for makeup tips and going dancing with you, do you speak up for us when it really matters?

This is a new year (some say new decade as well) and everyone’s support is required to create a world where queer people are free from oppression but we must do this without erasing the struggles of the people whose humanity is called into question daily.