We are back with Out, Proud and African, our special Pride Month series that curates stories of Africans on the continent and in the diaspora who are out, visible and living their truths. We recognise that to be out as an African is not easy and we celebrate these individuals who are at the forefront of the fight for equality. Today, our feature is from Nigerian Writer and Human Rights Activist, Emmanuel Sadi. This is his coming out story.
ON COMING OUT
I had taken all the conversion routes from deliverance to suicide and nothing had worked. I had convinced myself that if God saw that I hated being gay enough to take my own life, he would come to my aid and change me. But I here I was, life leaving my body and with the greatest pain I have ever felt, thinking how stupid it was to take rat poison because I hated myself. I made a promise to myself after I left the hospital, I WOULD NEVER HATE MYSELF AGAIN. The same week I left the hospital, I came out to my best friends and cousin, their acceptance was the icing on the cake for me. Eventually I got confronted by my family, I didn’t deny being gay because I was done with all the self-hate I left in the closet.
TO BE OUT AND AFRICAN
Being out in Nigeria is a constant mixture of emotions, mainly made up of fear and confusion. However, these emotions are not new to me, even in the closet, there is a huge amount of fear and confusion that doesn’t go away when you are out. What’s different is the love I have experienced; I have friends and family that have accepted me for who I am and they show me love regardless. I still have friends/family that have turned their backs on me but nothing can replace/diminish the feeling of being recognised as a human being that is worthy of love regardless of his differences. So, I am still afraid that someone might shoot me down of beat me up one day but now life isn’t only made up of fear and confusion anymore, I have love and hope to look forward to.
It has also helped me unlearn toxic things like; Misogyny, Islamophobia, transphobia and others. Being on the receiving end of homophobia or hate leaves a portion of negativity with you and that’s how the oppressed becomes the oppressor. Coming out helped me see the world in a different way and understand similar struggles with equality and the access to justice. It also helped me see the bigger picture beyond my personal issues to the point where I join the fight for equality regardless of gender, beliefs and sexual orientation.
CHALLENGES OF BEING OUT AND AFRICAN
As a writer, it is difficult to get work in spaces outside human rights work because of how vocal I am about LGBTIQ+ issues.
ON PRIDE AND ITS IMPORTANCE
Pride is a call to celebrate everything beautiful about myself, especially my queerness. A huge part of my life has revolved around shame and believing I was a mistake. Pride helps me celebrate my new truth and it echoes the fact that I am not a mistake, I deserve to be happy and my life is valid.
ADVICE TO MEMBERS OF THE LGBT COMMUNITY STRUGGLING WITH THEIR SEXUALITY OR GENDER IDENTITY.
It is not fair that you have to struggle but know that you are not alone in this. There are tons of information/organisations online to help you better understand sexuality/gender expression beyond the stereotypes of sex and genitalia. Empower yourself with the truth and let it guide you in the face of ignorance and hatred. Know you are not a mistake and that your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters are standing with you. In everything you do, please recognise that your life matters, your dreams are valid and you deserve every bit of happiness regardless of your sexuality/gender.
HOPE FOR THE LGBT COMMUNITY IN AFRICA
I hope that one day, being African and being LGBTQ+ can mean the same thing. I hope trans women are no longer killed and sacrificed, I hope Lesbian, Bisexual and Gay persons aren’t forced to live on the streets because their families are ashamed of them, and I hope that future LGBT+ youths aren’t forced to live/hide in a world that considers them less than human.
You can follow Emmanuel Sadi on Twitter and Instagram.
