Have you ever taken the time to find out why many queer men are either in shabby relationships or in none at all? Let’s take a keen look.
Dating in the queer community, from careful observations and personal experiences, can only be described with one word — herculean. There are always many things involved. From the acrobatics involved in searching for a partner, the mental gymnastics of asking the chosen person out; the fear of either getting turned down or finding out he does not play for your team always, to the emotional strain that occurs when you hit yet another brick wall. It is, therefore, not uncommon to hear gay men say they do not do relationships.
This piece will be focused mainly on the homosexual man because, being a gay man, I can only claim to be an authority in the experiences of other gay men as compared to the other members of the LGBTQ+ community.
I am aware that we have had conversations on this in the past, many that I have been a part of. But a lot of times, the stance is either taken from a place of hurt or the need to be politically correct, resulting in victim-blaming, general shaming or deflection. No real solution arises. Perhaps this is so because dating, relationships, and love are not aspects of life that should be debated on but studied and discussed subjectively. No one has to pitch a tent. Emotions and emotional attachments are not to be argued over.
The average Nigerian gay man grew up feeling alienated from the world he was born into. There is that feeling of disconnection when you realise, in your infancy, that you do not feel what your mum feels for your dad or cannot relate to the chemistry between your aunt and uncle. Really, it starts from here. This latent feeling blossoms when childhood games like Mother and Father are being played and you feel emotionally alienated because what makes sense to your six-year-old queer mind is that it should be Father and Father. At least I know that was how I felt.
The reason some gay men are effeminate — and this is in no way an attempt to shut down the existence of biological femininity in males — is that there was a time in their lives when they had to perform being female (dress like a girl, act like a girl and even talk like a girl) for their sexuality to make sense to them. In games, like the one aforementioned, this was adopted as a coping mechanism. For many, as they grew, they shed that form when they realised that they could be male (and masculine for that matter) and still be attracted to the same sex. For others, and there are a lot of them, this practised form stuck and bloomed.
Still, the dominance of heterosexuality and the effects of heteronormativity could not have been lost on us, as it wasn’t only visible in the games we played. From the stories we read both at school and for pleasure, to the movies we watched, the presence of the man-woman relationship cannot be overtold.
Being slapped with heterosexuality at such an impressionable age and still not being able to do anything about the feelings growing inside of you is the worst torture anyone can go through. Do you know what this realization can do to one’s psyche?
Facts have it that more than a handful of gay persons have at one time thought they were the only ones feeling the way they did. The reason behind this is not so farfetched, knowing all the heterosexual exposure we had to deal with. This damages the mind of the young and naïve homosexual.
As a result of all these social hiccups we are faced with, we grow up with walls around; defences initially meant to protect and shield become weapons used to tear down and consequently, isolate.
The concept of love has been lost on many of us for years. How do you expect someone who has always had to be an alter ego of himself in a bid to conform to familial and societal expectations to show you the love or care needed in a healthy relationship? You cannot give what you do not have, there are no truer words.
But enough of the exposition. You will ask: what can we do to fix this?
I racked my brains for a long time trying to come up with these nuggets intended to assist. And I feel the need to say this: these are subject to logical critiques and are some out of a possible many. So, feel free to question them, hunt up more and share for our learning benefit.
- ORGANISE MIND ORGIES: This is exactly NOT what you are thinking. Lol. Although, it gives us an idea. Here, we have the organization of well-meaning symposiums, healing sessions, group therapies and so on. Literally, it entails the rubbing and fondling of minds as against genitals. I do not think there is anything—asides writing, maybe—that trumps the therapeutic power of talking. We need to have sessions where people gather to talk about their epiphanous experiences. You will be shocked how many of us are emotionally damaged and saddled with so much baggage. And we will even be more surprised by how people listening to the stories of others can help in their individual healing. I have never been a real fan of the generic therapy sessions where there is a professional and his weather-beaten patient. Too clinical that it depresses me to think about it.
Take, for instance, learning in an academic environment. Did you know that students are more likely to understand a topic explained to them by a fellow student than the teacher? Well, there you have it. Normal orgies are great, by the way.
- BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT LOVING YOURSELF: Like the celebrated gay/drag super icon, RuPaul, would say, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the world can you love somebody else?” I will tell you how—you cannot.
Loving yourself is not just about looking good (this is a part of it, but could also be easily misconstrued as a ploy to mask your true emotions). Loving yourself is about feeling wholesome contentment in whom you are; being happy with your disposition, status, physicality, achievements. It is all about enjoying your own company and revelling in the conviction that you are an amazing person all-round. You should take a moment to ponder on just how it would be to date yourself (you can make this easier by projecting your qualities on another person) and if you are satisfied with the result of this simple experiment, treat yourself to a slice of cake. What makes this task even better is in the fact that you do not need to be asexual to indulge. Wink! - DITCH THE BITCH: It. Is. Not. Okay. To. Be. A. Bitch! I have been around long enough to know that there are people in the queer community who legit think it’s laudable to be attitudinal and sassy. Well, I think it’s laughable. Anyone who goes out of his way to snap and sass, especially unprovoked, needs a lot of healing sessions plus some prostate massages thrown in because all those insecurities need to be assuaged. Everyone has a bit of a bitch in them. Over the years, I can categorically tell you many have formed Bitch NGOs with my name as a founding person but it becomes an issue when this prevents you from forming healthy relationships with people. At this point, it is problematic. I understand that this is an act for most: a reflex response to all that you have been through, but while the society may have been terrible to you, you have the power to change your narrative. Lashing out at the slightest provocation only means you have let it win.
Being nice takes nothing, and even when uninterested in someone, except the situation calls for it, you can cushion the effect of your rejection. A simple acknowledgement or well-meaning response to a greeting takes no energy. There is no Pulitzer prize for bad behaviour, we should be reminded of this.
P.S.: I am all too aware that being good or bad is independent of your sexual orientation. That is not what this nugget is about. Just thought to clarify that. - IT’S OKAY TO BE VULNERABLE: Even I find it hard to let my vulnerabilities shine through. It is difficult coming from a background where you have been maligned and misunderstood, disregarded and abused to let people in your life. It is okay to be guarded, but do not think for a second that it is wrong to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness. There might be people who would take advantage of you and regretfully, I cannot shield you from that possibility but understand this: it is not you who is to be blamed, it is them. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means people will see you for who you truly are and what you represent. And if you find love in such a situation, that is the jackpot. By the way, whoever cannot take you at your worst, should never be allowed close to your bed, sorry, best.
- BE SOCIABLE, BE FRIENDLY: Have you ever seen someone who found a husband locked up in the room? My dear, even Beyonce could not achieve this feat. So, if you are looking to be with someone, then take yourself out of that bed and attend functions, visit the cinema, have hangouts with friends. This is you being social.
Wear a smile when approached, be accommodating to people, offer help when it is needed, engage in conversations, allow yourself laugh at jokes, ogle and do not recoil when being ogled. This is being friendly. Easy-peasy. - HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM: It helps when you have a handful of people on speed dial when the going gets rough. It could even be as little as one person, but someone who would always be there. Someone reliable, someone sturdy, someone you trust. No man is an island and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise, we all need a support system. If you become comfortable enough to rely on someone, you will be open enough to allow love to find you. It’s only natural.
And please, I do not mean a fuck-buddy. Thank you. - BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE: We have this on our bucket list, it’s a lot of times a part of our New Year’s resolution package but the deliberateness needed to pull it through is, many a time, lacking. You cannot get into a healthy relationship if you see it as a sport or a conquest. Allow yourself enjoy the thrill that comes with the chase, the bliss in the outings and the delight when you realise the person loves you just as much as you love or INTEND loving him.
If you are going to be with someone, be intentional about wanting to grow with him. Love every aspect of the acquaintanceship and if you both met online (which unfortunately makes up a larger ground on which we meet each other in the community), work towards having an organic meet-up. Procrastination does not only steal time; it drains the heart. - CREATE RELATABLE AND PLEASANT MEDIA CONTENT: Why do people only write about their kito experiences, adventurous sex lives, and terrible situationships? Is that all that there is to us? I am beyond appalled that the Nigerian media would rather peddle stories revolving around gay paedophiles, death of gay men and those arrested in parties.
Enough of that.
We need to read beautiful content as well. We need to be encouraged by those who have made it work in this seemingly loveless community of ours. Because of the reality of our society, I can understand not putting pictures of yourself and partner, but write about it. The good times especially. Do not wait until you have broken up with him, then you pen the gory break-up down for us, scaring our already afraid minds. Make people know that even in a bleak society such as this, love can happen because I know it does. Plant this seed in our hearts and watch it germinate. We are tired of the gloom and doom that our media always seem to have about the community. There is a reason our emblem is the rainbow, and that has no gray.
Like I have earlier stated, this essay is intended to highlight the struggles of the average Nigerian queer man and relate it to their response towards love and relationship. It is an exposition—and not an argument – with the intent to visit the root cause of a situation many in the community can relate with and are still experiencing. I can only hope it helps.
Danyels Izuchukwu is a graduate of Electrical Engineering but he’ll rather sing, dance and do monologues than piece wires together. A lover of words and a prolific penner of thoughts and ideas, he enjoys characterisation and watching people fail at giving summations of his persona. He also loves biscuits, Coldstone Icecream and horror movies.
The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this Op-Ed by the Writer are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Rustin Times.
