As the school year nears its end, Ola*, a nineteen-year-old student, finds themselves in a predicament. Ola lives their authentic life as a gender nonconforming lesbian while attending school in Ogun state, miles away from their family home in Abuja. At school, Ola enjoys the freedom to express themselves without constraints, surrounded by friends who know and accept them. However, the impending holiday break means returning to a home environment where this freedom is limited and the risk of misunderstanding and conflict looms large.
For many in the LGBTQ+ community, especially those from religious families, the Christmas holiday isn’t always a time of warmth and joy. It’s a period where the clash between family traditions and personal identity often reaches a boiling point. Young queer individuals, still reliant on their families for support, face the challenge of maintaining a delicate balance between concealing their truth and navigating intrusive questions about their lives.
Ola shares their predicament, “As a second-year student relying on my parents for financial support, I can’t risk coming out to them and being disowned. So, at school, I embrace my identity, but at home, I conform to my parents’ expectations.”
Some opt to spend the holidays isolated to avoid the discomfort of concealing their identity. For those who can’t, returning home can mean slipping back into the closet temporarily. Ola shares the strategies they employ to cope during this challenging time.
- Prioritise Your Mental Health: It is very emotionally draining to constantly hide or suppress your identity so it’s okay to prioritise your mental health and well-being by finding moments for self-care and reflection.
- Choose Your Battles Wisely: Not every moment is the right time to confront or disclose your sexual orientation or gender identity, especially in potentially hostile environments. Evaluate situations and choose when to engage or when to stay silent for your safety.
- Set Boundaries: It is important to remember we can set and maintain boundaries that keep us safe, happy, and healthy. Setting personal boundaries help you know when to step away from uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situations. So it is okay to politely but firmly set limits on conversations or interactions that may jeopardise your physical safety or trigger discomfort. For instance, I don’t go to church when I’m at home for the holidays because I don’t want to be exposed to anti-LGBT sermons. When my girlfriend comes to visit I don’t answer questions or over explain to extended relatives how we know each other. And I absolutely do not engage in conversations about my clothing and presentation.
- Plan an Exit Strategy: If the situation becomes untenable, have an exit strategy in place. This could include having a friend who can provide a temporary place to crash for the night or a friend or two on standby that you can vent to.
- Make time to be alone: Spending time with lots of people can be exhausting and families that are not supportive can be extra exhausting. Make time to sit in bed and read a book, watch a movie, go outside for fresh air, go for a walk, or even to take a nap.
- Celebrate the holidays with your chosen family too: We are often sold the idea that spending time with our biological families is the only “proper” way to spend the holiday. But getting together with close friends and chosen family to celebrate the holiday is just as valid. I make sure to have plans with my friends who I can be myself around, sometimes we don’t even go out we could just be on a video call and gist for hours.
While the holiday season might be challenging, finding ways to protect yourself and maintain your mental health can make a significant difference. If you ever feel unsafe or distressed, don’t hesitate to seek help from trusted individuals or organisations that prioritise the well-being of LGBTQ+ individuals.
*Name has been changed to protect the identity of the individual.
