Op-Ed
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Tomiwa Yakubu: Save your tears sister! Your homophobia put you in this position

The Rustin Times

I am tired of straight women crying about how they got married to a gay man.

I know you have been done wrong by the universe and a straight man should have found you and made you the wife that God has called you to be but sister I could care less. I mean, there was a time when I used to worry about “innocent women” getting hooked with gay men. I used to go on a rant to any of my friends that would tell me that they were getting married to someone of the opposite sex. I would do my best to convince them to consider the woman and how her life would change drastically. While I have never succeeded in doing that, my time on earth has taught me that these women deserve what they get.

Let us be practical, go on BellaNaija or Linda Ikeji and search for stories that have to do with the LGBT community (whether good or bad). You will notice a trend in the comment section. The Christian Women will come out and be very critical; adding that “God’s judgment is coming for them.” I mean you can go on Instablog9ja and see the foolery these women put out in the name of “preserving the culture.” Their homophobia is the worst and to think that some of them will identify as champions of women’s rights.

Benedicta Freeze, the fiance to controversial OAP Daddy Freeze, did an interview with Linda Ikeji TV were she shared that her ex-husband of 10 years was gay. She added that they had sex 11 times throughout their marriage and that she caught him having sex with another guy in their living room. Now, she made other accusations against him, from domestic violence to endangering the lives of their children and I personally think he should be investigated on those allegations. However, when she shared the part of the “sexual perversion” of her husband, she started crying and to be honest I rolled my eyes.

I am sorry about what happened to Sister Benedicta and no woman deserves to be abused by any man. However, on this marrying a gay man issue, I do not empathise with any woman who has ended up with a gay man. I mean, she (Benedicta) even added that many women are currently married to gay men so I am glad that she even knows it is a reality. Truth is, she is not the only one who talks about this. Many women are on social media complaining of how their husbands trapped them in a marriage that was a sham. I am just tired to hear their wailing. You are not the victim in this position, sister. The times where you could stand with the LGBT community as an ally, what did you do? When these issues are raised in your workplace, do you speak out against hate or do you continue to push ignorant sentiments? How did you react when the Nigerian government criminalised homosexual relations between people of the same sex? Did you give the government a thumbs up or did you speak out?

I am tired of us having to be the bigger people. The ones to educate them on who we are. The ones to tolerate their ignorance. I am tired of us being the ones to rejoice when they say things like “I don’t have anything against gay people oh, just don’t bring it near me.” I refuse to be the bigger person in this conversation. It is 2018 and people need to educate themselves. Times have changed and Google is your best friend. Everything you need to know is right there backed up by scientific research. To this end, I refuse to feel remorse to any woman who finds herself married to a gay man.

This is the society you desire. One were men have to hide who they are because they don’t want to be arrested or worse, killed. You have enabled a society of homophobia because you decided to be passive and not stand in solidarity with the LGBT community. Is this the country you hope to leave behind for your children? What would happen when your son or daughter comes out to you? How would you react? Suicide rates are high in the LGBT community and many talented young people are leaving the country.

We need to do better as a country. Women you need to stand in solidarity with the LGBT community. In the fight for Women’s rights, we are your biggest allies and in this fight, you need to be our allies. Fight for your gay sons and stand up for your lesbian sisters. Speak out against the oppression that is prevalent in the society and maybe you won’t end up with a gay man.

Until then, Save your tears because your homophobia put you in this position.

Tomiwa Yakubu (a pen name) is a banker who lives in Abuja with his partner. His hobbies are taking long hikes and traveling across Africa.

The views, thoughts and opinions expressed in this Op-Ed by the Writer are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Rustin Times.
The Rustin Times
The Rustin Times is an online publication aimed at elevating the conversation around LGBTIQ persons not just in Nigeria but across the continent.

5 Comments

  1. This. Is. Everything!!! 👏👏👏👏👏
    When women join the force that seeks to right the wrong that prohibits gay men from living their truth, then the conversation surrounding gay men marrying them can be more honest.

    Reply

  2. First off, women don’t owe gay men shit. And all this whiny “gay men are women’s strongest allies”can only win gold at Sympathy Olympics. It’s interesting the writer is holding women to higher standards than gay men themselves. How many gay men speak up for themselves, counter homophobic discourse in their work places? Yes, the country’s legalised homophobia has ramifications for gay Nigerians but capturing this out of the context of individual realities is disingenuous. What are relatively privileged gay Nigerian men doing with their platforms? To what do we attribute their silence but cowardice and an absence of vision? This blanket victimhood the writer is casting does a great disservice to gay Nigerians, and make is as though there really is no alternative to sham marriages.
    If you as a gay man misleads a clueless woman into marrying you, thinking you are romantically and sexually attracted to her, then you’re scum of the earth. Whether or not she is homophobic is completely secondary.
    I have a strong aversion to the entitlement dripping all over this post. No one owes you support, and as far as I know, straight Nigerian women (the amorphous entity referenced all through this article) are the biggest allies of the LGBT community.
    Perhaps everyone needs to do better, but nah, you can’t blame women for lily-livered (and I don’t hold this against anyone, strictly speaking) gay men who would rather shift and contort than let themselves be seen.

    Reply

  3. Thank you, the article, if the intellectual components or the lack of it, packed into the piece could be called that, reeks of a certain sense of entitlement that is both curious and annoying all at once. The issue at stake is not one that could be divorced from the broader spectrum. The fault lies with the men, too. Everyone, both sexes, needs to consciously attempt to make things better than they presently are. But don’t make this a ‘woman’ issue, like it is the fault of the women that our society has chosen to frustrate the lives of gay people.

    Reply

  4. Bravo I’d like to read more of your work(I guess that’s just a work than a movement )
    The truth is that Nigeria is well populated. In every sphere there is one dozen of gay people but pretence played a smart one on us here(i mean the legalized homophobia)
    Thought the society will be like this for a longer time..
    I tell my friends that we here in Nigeria are not homophobic, we are just religious because when we start to shake hands with who is a gay person in Nigeria, we’ll feel the soft and dubious parm of law makers, top government officials, religious parm of pastors, pretentious parm of some made musicians, bankers and the rough parm of students, traders, gangsters and the list goes on… Hey! we are great in number but religious mindset has blocked our eyes to see reality that exist near skin so we go on to sip our tea with iced water lol.
    But I know that with the way LGBTQ are growing in numbers, some day, Nigeria won’t contain LGBTQ people and balloon of pretence will bost.. Let’s not rush things.

    Reply

  5. Nice piece.

    I do have to suggest that there is something to be said about the importance of holding on to ideals. Michelle Obama said it best in insisting, “When they go low, we go high.”

    It can be frustrating to witness the entanglements of straight women with gay men, and the naive disposition of these straight women who (apparently) walk themselves into such entanglements. However, their ignorant naïveté is the precise reason why we need to be the bigger persons. The persons who go high when those whom we hope to reform go low.

    Tomiwa I feel your tiredness, let’s not use it to make decisions. Let’s bring reform when your energy is back up and poised to take the high road.

    Enjoy!

    Reply

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