Dear,
Nome, Abdallah, Siju, or Ifechukwu,
I just received your words, and you do not know how ecstatic I am that you are finally going to take that brave but important step into the convoluted conformation, of your true self, despite our Nigerian horizon.
And as you requested, I’ll be detailing some of my experiences as admonitions and hope yours be much better, respectable, and memorable than mine have been.
Take a plunge and enjoy!
- Let us start with the place; it could happen anywhere; a friend’s private house, an uncle’s flat who is on vacation, or even the side of a primary school block under the wrapping of a dark night. The possibilities are endless, but sadly not in your favour as realistically you both may not always have the luxury of choosing where it would happen.
So to avoid being clubbed or burned to death for using your own body at your discretion, don’t try hotels, motels, (all forms of public accommodation), even your own apartment may not be a safe place, depending on the attentiveness of your neighbors.
- Depending also on the man you’re with, but not restricted to that, you musn’t allow any flinch, any twitch, any indication as to the joy you both are about to find. You must either go in first or come home with him; and while you do the latter, cook up a loud, bright chauvinistic conversation. If your voice is naturally lush, sultry, and stereotypically unmanly, be on the laughing end. Don’t make small, imperceptible conversation for any reason whatsoever.
Don’t look at him like you really cannot wait to know how your lips might melt on his.
III. If you have to be the one to buy a lube or protection, approach your chemist with a straight, unapproachable face. Give him/her no room for questions; some people can be presumptuous like that, and because you have never brought a lady home, or walk like a cat or are just a bewildering construct of mystery, your chemist would attempt to make things less awkward by humanising the situation, and as such assume you are soon to lay with the opposite.
“bros you no go gree for the aunty oo haha”
- Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Yet be observant.
- While you are at it, don’t make too much noise.
- No noise, really. Play some music to drown your hasty breaths, the rustle of your sweaty bodies, you both verbal expression of the ongoing joy. No noise, really.
VII. To help you sum all that up, there should be no moaning. Have it doggy, slanted, straight or entwined, just do not testify your ravaging ecstasy. Purse your lips. Shut your eyes. Endure the pain colluding with pleasure. Bloat your cheeks for effect, bulge your eyes funny. Feel the constriction in your chest, feed your heart with steel. Let it believe this is a necessary torture. Don’t make a racket, someone might be leaning out of suspicion at the window. You can’t sing out in chipped whispers, a song that’d have his name running along every baseline. You do understand that all this is to normalise the protracted occupation of two passionate men in a room.
Just as it is to prevent you from liberally using your very body, perhaps in adhering to that, all the nation’s problems will be solved.
VIII. Live but do not live. Love but do not love. Pursue happiness but on righteously constructed heteronomative terms.
That way, everything will be fine.
So my dearest Nome, Abdallah, Siju, or Ifechukwu I know this is disheartening, that wasn’t the plan, but this is how I’ve seen it. I do hope you might turn up more unrestrained versions, but this is how I have known it.
I’ll drop you this, don’t give up on finding true love; it is that perfect oblong, that friend and lover, that critic and unquestionable supporter. That cup of harsh experiences that will complement yours. That body, mind, and spirit that will many times make you forget my instructions, as well as the need for them.
Which is a good thing. A very good thing.
Love, I wish I didn’t have to say this but…. You know we both live in Nigeria so… be safe!!!
Regards,
Nele Anju.
