I was a good Christian kid, not the average one but the kind to walk into church and everyone would literally start calling him ‘Young Pastor’. But I was gay, and I knew this for sure as I was walking to Tony’s house because this was obviously not a friendly neighborhood visit, we were going to be intimate and I was all for it. I had a feeling everything we were doing was wrong but my heart didn’t care, it had been wanting this for so long that is stopped sending blood to my brain so my bible study teachings wouldn’t kick in. Gay sex at first was more pain than pleasure and when I got home I hated myself for what I had done because I remembered how much my pastor said God hated what I had done.
I was crying, hands wrapped around my legs like a shrimp on the floor, asking God to forgive me and promising never to do it again. Soon It was dark and I was all cried out, so I took a bath with warm water fused with the blood of Jesus to wash all the gay away and greeted everyone at home with a smile. Everything was okay for like 20 minutes until Tony called to check on me, I switched off the phone and acted like nothing had happened but once I switched it back on the text messages dropped. I thought to myself “it’s just texts nothing bad”, but I didn’t know Tony could write up a romance novel in 3 sentences. Before I knew it I was smiling and texting back all night. We said good night and decided to see a movie together the next day. But, as I closed my eyes to sleep and reflect on how happy I was with Tony, I suddenly remembered washing the gay away and how upset I was that I had gay sex.
The next day came and I was waiting for Tony at the Mall entrance, I was scared, biting my lip like a 12 year old but then I saw him and just like that everything was worth it. We were in the cinema hall, sitting far up away from everyone else, he reached over and grabbed my hand, this wasn’t sex but my nerves were jumping for joy. How could someone’s hand on mine make me feel this complete? I had been with girls in school but nothing ever felt like this. I started picturing a life where I would feel this way forever, grow old with Tony’s jokes forever and even though the first time we had sex was painfully enjoyable, I could see myself getting used to it for a chance to be this happy forever. We had lunch, talked about life and he would say something sexy and I would literally explode.
3 weeks later, I was in full boyfriend mood and loving it, even the sex was better, not just better but great. At the same time, I was selected from the teens church to give a sermon at the adult church in front of the senior pastors and the entire congregation. It was no surprise that I gave a wonderful sermon about unifying the church as an example to society, I was born for public speaking, ask anyone who saw me lead a debate in secondary school and they’ll testify. After church that day, I was told the senior pastor wanted to see me, being alone with this man was at the time; my greatest fear because I thought he had the power to see through me and know I was gay. To make matters worst, my mum insisted that she follow me to his office, I was loosing it. We entered his office and he greeted us with a smile, and asked us to sit down, then he said he had a message from God for me. My heart literally stopped, he said God had big plans for my future and that I was going to make my single mother very proud, he also said I should keep up the good work and he gave me an envelope filled with cash.
I should have been relieved after the meeting, I mean one of God’s servants just told me God had big plans for me and to top it off, I was even richer. But that wasn’t the case, the pastors words kept playing in my head over and over. In all my happiness with Tony, I didn’t stop to think about my mom. We lived in a family house with her sister, her husband and my cousin but before then my mom was the only family I had. She had me out of wedlock for a man who didn’t want to be a father or even married, to think that I would repay her with these words; I AM A HOMOSEXUAL broke my heart in a way I couldn’t comprehend. I was crying myself to sleep for days, each day getting worse than the next, I was in love with Tony, I knew I was gay, there was no going back on how I felt but I just couldn’t see a future where my mom would be proud of her gay son. After a few days, I was literally a ghost, I was so depressed I would watch my ceiling for hours and hours, it wasn’t long before I started thinking that there was no point to living.
Before this point, the idea of suicide was foreign to me. I’d never in a million years thought that I would try to kill myself but here I was with rat poison and the only thing I can remember thinking was that this was the only way out. I was done crying, I was done feeling like I was trapped between two worlds with no chance of ever being happy, so I was going to end my pain.
Talking about pain, poison is no joke, NO JOKE. After the awkward long wait for it to kick in, the pain came suddenly and for a minute I thought this is it, this is where it all ends and there’s no going back, but I was wrong. The pain became so strong that I totally forgot why I took the poison in the first place and started screaming for help, my cousin even thought I was joking for a few seconds when he came in to help but he finally realized how serious it was and called his dad. By the time they helped me to the car, I was too week for words but I somehow managed to blame the stomach pains on bad road side egg rolls. We got to the hospital and the doctor had my stomach pumped and gave me an IV and some antibiotics.
Walking away from that experience well again was a defining factor for me, and it was the last time I felt sorry for being gay. I knew coming out would hurt the people closest to me but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from being happy. I came out to my cousin, my best friend and another close friend all in the same month after trying to kill myself, and they all accepted me and even made me feel better about myself. It took some serious life threatening poison for me to realize how lucky I was to be alive and also appreciate every part of my life including being gay, in a way that a million homophobes can steal. The moral of this story isn’t that coming out is easy, we all live in different settings and pay respective prices for love but know that nothing is worth taking your life. Being gay can be hard and challenging but it is definitely easier (enjoyable, less painful, more fun and super beautiful) than suicide.