“Speech to the Young” is a series dedicated to the young. Notes about life, about sore and difficult things. I want to cut through the noise and the contradictory recommendations and encourage people (regardless of age, if I am being completely honest) to choose peace of mind and joy. I adore growth, and I think this might be important for both my growth and the growth of others.”
~ Vasilis Onwuaduegbo
I grew up in a beautiful family. I often forget this because our adulthoods manifest so differently, and memories from the past feel imagined, but we were gorgeous. In this statement, the’ we’ is my dad’s side of the family, the branch where I spent most of my time.
My grandpa had six children: three boys three girls. Almost comically, the order was – boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl – and I think the evenness of my grandfather’s family created this tight-knit sibling crew that did everything together. We were scattered all over, both in Nigeria and abroad, but we would always convene to celebrate grand moments, and we would revel in our combined dopeness. Then there was me.
We don’t often talk of beauty in true terms, meaning that we often have our private words for a person’s appearance, and then we have the words we use with others. For example, growing up, even though people would affirm that I was not ugly, they wouldn’t also say that I was beautiful. It is fascinating because folks that have been tagged beautiful from young ages often complain that they feel reduced to that beauty, and there I was, hoping and wishing that someone would call me beautiful and truly mean it.
I turned my focus to books; if I couldn’t be beautiful, I could be successful. I am glad that curiosity has never been foreign to me because I soon became obsessed. Always working on something, not as a way to avoid life, but to provide relief to the abundance of questions plaguing my head. Beauty no longer mattered.
The problem with placing beauty in the eyes of the beholder is that beauty is always measured in relation to other people; it is always about attention. You are beautiful if people can regard you and say such. But what happens when a beautiful person, as observed by others, is unaware of their beauty? We create a contentious power dynamic; where the person that wills the value is less aware of that value than their potential handler. If we see interpersonal relationships as constant negotiations, one will realize that no one spends time on things that they don’t derive some value from. There is always something, even if that thing is loss.
I am shy to admit this, but I found more appreciation in my beauty and body when I encountered individuals who looked upon my features with adoration. I was in a sauna; apparently, the largest in Europe and this man came up to me and talked about how he loved my breasts, and my ass, and my face. Even though this man was far from what I would typically approach, I appreciated his words because they confirmed I wasn’t crazy. For months I had been getting the sense that I was a gorgeous person, but I had been hesitant to claim it. Was I beautiful, like for real? I would hype myself to believe it and then go on dating websites and be reminded that on the internet, my beauty wasn’t desired; and then I would return to square one, questioning my beauty and leaving myself open for scandal.
When people say beauty comes from within, they typically mean one of two things; internal health determines our phenology, or it is about good vibes. But it might also mean that the only opinion of our beauty that matters is our own, but not in an “I am hideous”- type of way.
People need to start from the basic assumption that anything innate or permanently acquired unintentionally is exempt from judgments of beautiful or not. Things are as they are; nature does not create with beauty in mind; creation is a big enough miracle. When you rid yourself of the burden of treating functional things as things that are meant to be recognized as beautiful at first glance, you can see beauty as combining color, manipulating light, and performing celestial confidence. We are beautiful just the way we are, and we also have tools to have that beauty recognized by onlookers, but their attention (or lack thereof) does not diminish or even augment our beauty. We are beautiful regardless, and we have complete control over how we present it.
I have to say that although the rallying call for self-love is exhausting, I would not recommend the alternative for my worst enemy. In certain Igbo communities, when a man has found a girl he wants to marry, he goes to the home of the girl, and he asks for her hand in marriage. There is a Nollywood phrase I have come to love that is usually used to depict this pre-marriage scene, “There is a beautiful flower in your garden.”
This beautiful flower is the to-be bride, and the man is on a mission to pluck it and bring it to his house. Although it is beautiful poetry, the idea that a beautiful flower should be plucked can be seen as problematic at times, seeing as in nature, a plucked flower is a flower poised to die.
When our sense of beauty is attached to people outside of us, we are also subject to their whims and valuations of our humanity. It creates a scenario when beauty is supposed to serve a purpose; it is supposed to be heralded for others to see, while it becomes less beautiful in the process. But, unlike flowers that can’t prevent plucking fingers, we humans have more agency. We can be beautiful and still own our existence. We just have to start by believing in our beauty.
I must say before I close that beauty is not an ideal by which one should measure one’s life. If you are a performer like me, then you appreciate images of grandeur and aesthetic softness. However, aging in this world requires that we slowly remove ourselves from manifestations of beauty and cleave ourselves to the experience of joy. If there is any point to this life, it is to live in peace with oneself and one’s environment; beauty does not determine that type of peace.
Also, as we change, times change, and environments change – beauty is not monolithic and static. If you are at a point in your life where conversations about your beauty still matter, trust that the moment you take charge of defining it for yourself, the game is over. When you know who you are, other people’s perception of you because what it always needed to be, their perception of you.
VASILIS ONWUADUEGBO IS A GREEK-BORN NIGERIAN-AMERICAN ARTIST, WRITER, AND HUMAN RIGHTS PRACTITIONER WITH INTERESTS IN SOCIAL IMPACT INVESTING, ADVOCACY FOR MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES, AND CREATIVITY. YOU CAN FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HIS WORK AT HIS WEBSITE; VASILISONWUADUEGBO.COM.
The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this article by the Writer are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Rustin Times.
