We are back with Out, Proud and African, our special Pride Month series that curates stories of Africans on the continent and in the diaspora who are out, visible and living their truths. We recognise that to be out as an African is not easy and we celebrate these individuals who are at the forefront of the fight for equality. Today, our feature is from South African Writer and Researcher, Jamil F. Khan. He currently enrolled for a PhD in Critical Diversity Studies at the University of the Witwatersrand. His research focuses on the histories and lived experiences of creolised people (classified as coloured) in South Africa and more broadly explores power dynamics between oppressed groups in a white supremacist world order. He considers his work to be a bridge between academic and artistic spaces to give expression to the historic tradition of storytelling which is too often trivialised and dismissed. He is currently writing a socio-political memoir due for release in 2020. This is his coming out story.
ON COMING OUT
I was really tired of hiding. I realised that I was fooling nobody and the anxiety I went through trying to hide who I was, was more trouble that it was worth. Most importantly, I had taken the time to contemplate the consequences of living freely and I was ready to face them in any form. I came out at a time where I could understand what it meant for me, which was paramount to my well-being.
TO BE OUT AND AFRICAN
Personally, it’s a mixed bag of experiences. As a kid I was always bullied and mocked. It made for a very fearful existence. As a result I stayed in the house most of the time. I am lucky that my family is not hostile. I wouldn’t call them accepting because I believe their response to me is based on how they perceive me to tow the line of heteronormativity. So they are happy that they can still relate to me within the bounds of normative gender expression, which is a bit disappointing but still palatable. Despite it, I have managed to curate my social circles in a way that ensures I am always affirmed in terms of my sexuality and gender expression and that is truly comforting. Being in public alone is generally anxiety provoking for me, because I am always on alert and suspicious of cis heterosexual men who are mostly violently homophobic in this country. Despite these varied experiences, being out and African is a beautiful experience when it is left to be what it is – we truly are beautiful people in all the ways we choose to express ourselves with music, fashion, art and a deep sense of humanity.
Being in a ‘closet’ was a torturous experience for me. It impacted so much of my self-esteem and my daily experience of life. It took so much energy to watch how I walked, spoke, used my hands; the pitch of my voice, the length of my hair, my taste in music. Everything I did was a calculation. When I came out, I could do all the same things without trying to regulate it and for the first time I was able to experience what it was like to live, at least in the confines of my home. After coming out I opened myself up to the breadth of choices for self-expression at my disposal. I finally got to experience fun, which to me was the ability to enter environments as a true representation of myself, without constantly being under a cloud of suspicion or to be explanatory or apologetic. The choices that I have made have lead me to discover my love for social justice to express myself through writing – a passion I doubt that I would have found had it not been for the wonderful global community of Black queer people I have the pleasure to call friends and family.
CHALLENGES OF BEING OUT AND AFRICAN
Homophobia is still a terrible plague in Africa and the world. The experiences I have had still stay with me and I still find myself having to make calculations about navigating society. That means avoiding certain establishments, certain towns and cities and even certain countries. I so much want to travel across Africa, but archaic anti-homosexuality laws prevent me. It makes my world so small to know that when I think of traveling the world, I only have a limited number of destinations to choose from. It diminishes my pride in being African because my queerness is perceived to be in conflict with my Africanness. It is difficult to have to split yourself for a society that doesn’t fully recognise your humanity.
ON PRIDE AND ITS IMPORTANCE
Pride is audacity. To wake up every day and walk out of the door and exist in a world that seeks to annihilate you is pride. To live in spite of and not because of is pride. Choosing to protect yourself by not being “out” is pride. The sacrifice it takes to keep living despite yearning for a different way is one of the bravest things many queer people will every do – that too is pride: to say, despite my fears, I’m still going to try. I guess, for me pride is as varied as the expressions of LGBTQI+ identities and cannot be pinned down. The many ways of queer life is pride to me in a world that would rather see us gone.
ADVICE TO MEMBERS OF THE LGBT COMMUNITY STRUGGLING WITH THEIR SEXUALITY OR GENDER IDENTITY.
Do not ever think that your life has to fit a mold. Your life is yours to design and there is no script for being queer. Do what works for you, as long as it is not harmful to the next person. There are ways to be queer that we are yet to discover so experiment and create to your heart’s content. Whatever the cause of your discontent, remember at the core that your humanity is always valid, so learn to trust yourself to know what is best for you. Love can never be wrong; your love can never be wrong. Survival is also resistance. Your place has already been paid for. Queerness is yours to create. You are loved.
HOPE FOR THE LGBT COMMUNITY IN AFRICA
I hope that humanity will prevail to enable much better lives for us all. I hope that we make it our mission to never do to each other what is done to us on a daily basis. I want for us to always be aware of the way in which power positions us all differently and the understand the work that requires of us to treat each other better. I want us to actively unlearn all the violence we have internalised and embody the love we are fighting for. I hope that in the midst of all the adversity we still face, we can heal among each other and be safe spaces to each other where we can’t find them outside. I want for us to love each other more and show up for each other more. I am not counting on anybody but us.
